Seeds of doubt and plants of optimism.

I just wanted to reflect on an interesting thought I had not so long ago (actually, close to when this post was supposed to be up).

In our various relationships with people, we tend to hold onto harsh words we've said to one another. Many times, instead of letting them go or discussing them away, we secretly remember them. Then, in fits of pain and anger, we unleash them, throwing them in each others' faces, as a way to justify our misgivings about certain things. Anger and fear are very related, and not just because they're emotions that have powerful physical consequences. They both can be very destructive to beautiful and horrid things alike.

A pleasant thought occurred to me in response to dwelling on that subject. Why not throw nice things at each other? Nice things don't hurt so much (mainly because they're soft and fluffy), and if we happen to be in bad moods, it's more satisfying to see nice things break. Compliment throwing mid-argument is great, and not just because it throws off your opponent. In important relationships, it serves to let your adversary know that you care about them. Depending on the compliment, it can even show respect mid-thrashing. It makes the bitter medicine easier to take and it makes our own dishes less bitter as well. It also cuts down the regret you may feel afterward or the pain in recalling - and apologizing for - misguided insults. If it happens to save them from coming out in the first place, then so be it.

Choosing personality

For those of you who missed joke at the closing of yesterday's post, here's a link to the video: Anoop Dogg - Drop It Like A Fob

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So, as we discussed yesterday, taking things personally is a somewhat odd habit of people. Here's the kicker: we choose to take things personally.

If someone offends us, we do actually choose to be offended. It's not as if you can't just dismiss the comment. No, instead, we identify the verbal attacker, and choose to think of what they're saying as having some sort of validity. Then, we get upset at the offender and take action from there. Honestly, it's really not that hard to just think about the comment.

Thinking about the comment gives us some benefit. We can be cool and calm, and think about the fact that the comment may, in fact, have some validity. We often immediately dismiss comments completely. This is not a bad idea, especially with derisive exclamations of the "f*** you" variety, which though they make the speaker feel better, they offer no sort of content to the argument at all. However, when actual content is provided, we need to sift out the attitude and try to empathize, so we can accurately judge our actions. After all the negative stuff is stripped, we can see if there is any small bit of truth to the comment, and from there we have a way to better ourselves. In this way, every insult (with proper form) can be an opportunity to better ourselves.

From there, if the comment does not have any usefulness to us (say, the person doesn't know you and made an incorrect assumption entirely, or it was of the aforementioned variety), we can dismiss it as insignificant. Why should we accept the insult? After all, so many of us are our own worst critics.

How many people do you know who hate compliments? Polite humility is one thing (and in many ways pointless, but that's a different argument entirely), but I know many people who hate having nice things said to them because they're insecure. They're so unhappy with themselves that they simply cannot accept the compliment as having any truth to it. It's really amusing to me, because I used to be very cynical. I mean, if most people are self-centered and conceited, how is it that so many people prefer to accept insults as truth and compliments as false? It's easy to find self-centered, conceited people. You don't need to see their self-praise to know how they are. On the other hand, it's more difficult to identify self-loathers, unless they take it to a very dire extreme.

Instead of hearing an insult and immediately going with "initial" feelings like hurt and anger, it's more useful to try to stay calm and analyze the insult itself. Just because someone opens their mouth doesn't mean you have to listen to them. It's much harder to do with people who know just what to say to get you pissed off, but really, isn't that a better opportunity to learn to control our responses?

On taking things personally

Okay, I'm starting to make up for (as of today) nine posts. That leaves us two weeks worth, two weekend "appreciation" posts, and one for today. Here goes.

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A practical piece of advice: don't take anything personally. Really, think about it. Everything that happens to us in our day-to-day lives is important. We live for the small moments, and we try not to think about how much time we may have left too often. Not to say it doesn't cross our thoughts, but we look at its significance and then we shoo it aside for the time being. And, when we work long hours, after studying for years, we get to a point where we can barely sense the time going by. We take our joys where we can, perhaps due to a smile from the mailman, or the courtesy of the woman in front of you in the checkout line who let you go in front of her because she only had five items and you had sixteen, and she wasn't in a rush.

I guess it's only natural that if we do that, then we would also have a propensity to think largely of the small things that make us irate. After all, we like universal laws, don't we? It's easy to have a rule apply all across the board, and it's easier to keep track of things that way, without worrying about exceptions. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that we are hypocrites, each and every one of us. Whether it's because we're rich, so we shouldn't have to pay the government (though the poor have to), or if it's because we're angry and the lady to our right cut us off, so we can flip her off (even though if we cut someone off, we flip them off for being slow).

The trick is to use that hypocrisy in our favor. We need to skew the scale of the things we find important. Something important that I learned in various philosophy classes was that if you believe in something, take it to an extreme and see if it still applies. Because that's a good exercise, I'll do it here. On my deathbed, will I feel that the lady who cut me off this morning is a horrible person who made me angry? Will I even remember that? Will I remember the kind act of the woman in the checkout line?

Back to taking things personally... Why do we do it? I distinctly see two sides to this story. After all, it takes two to tango.

When we do bad things, we have our reasons. We're in a rush and the other is taking his sweet time, and we can't put up with it because hey, he should be considerate to others. Couple that with a horribly angry boss back at the office, and an irate wife at home to whom you said you'd be home on time (and here it is, an hour and a half later), you have just cause for tension and anxiety, and even downright anger. And, this guy just happens to be in front of us now, and so why not overtake him with the bird flapping about? The perversity here has nothing to do with what we do here, but mostly with how when someone does it to us, we see it as a direct attack on us, rather than remember we do that sort of thing ourselves. Perhaps not exactly the same way, but yes. And you know, it's also perverse because it truly is easier to think that this person we don't know at all happens to know we're in a rush and is being slow on purpose, so he deserves the insult, rather than try to let it go. Those who remember the days of gigantic flame wars will know exactly how this pans out on a larger scale. We take this to heart and we don't forget about it.

The other side is that when good things happen, we tend to question. In the words of Dan Le Sac, "Thou shalt not think any male over the age of thirty that plays with a child that is not their own is a peadophile. Some people are just nice." (Courtesy of Youtube, video here: Thou Shalt Always Kill.) Now, yes, there are people with ulterior motives, but honestly, with simple gestures, we don't need to be suspicious. We should be appreciative, and return the favor ourselves. Instead, we tend to disregard those acts, because... Because, partially, we don't understand where they're coming from, and partially because we can't remember the good days we have that cause us to do nice things. And we do do nice things on occasion.

Here is where we need to adjust the hypocrisy again. We should be in favor of good things happening to us, and take them for what they are. A hedonistic stance, perhaps, but one that makes sense to almost everyone.

Think about it, take a second.

Ding!